Wednesday, July 21, 2010

still a virgin!!!...????

How fascinating is it to think that only 1000 years, heck just even 400 years ago retaining your virginity before marriage was what society deemed as a necessary sacrosanct virtue?  And look at society now, kids trying to LOSE this once-sacred value as soon as they can "score," even if it takes a one-night stand.  Boy has society really changed..but that's irrelevant.

Pondering that, this question popped into my head..
When do you lose your virginity?  Personally I agree with most people - you lose it when you do the big one (for the prude i'm talking about sexual intercourse)....but I've also heard otherwise - oral sex and other sexual activities take away your virginity.  So then a big, hugely-worldwide-controversial question popped into my head:

Is it bad to lose your virginity before marriage?

Desperate for an answer, 

I had looked at Hindu religious texts which neither condemned nor condoned it..I looked to my peers, whom were split into two groups of yes and no..I was about to ask older family members (cousins, not aunts/uncles of course) until I came across an article that listed 10 things to know in life...The number one thing on that list was that the answers of life lie inside of you (yah cheesy line but it is the truth) - you determine what your values are, who you are, what your life is, what you want it to be.  (I can't find that article anymore :( otherwise I'd post its link to share it's rich, raw wisdom with everyone).  Thus with this new, special knowledge, i realized that this question isn't for anyone to answer except me.

For those conservatives who found my previous statement blasphemous, I want to state that I do not mean to offend anyone or anyone's beliefs, but since I am entitled to my opinion I am stating it; conservatives, I advise you to not read any further.

First, there's the ongoing, worldwide religious argument that sex before marriage is a sin; it's sexual immorality.  I'm not going to analyze and quote any texts to prove my point, but thinking about it practically, I considered the notion that if it's protected sex, then why not enjoy God's gift?  Thinking about it, there are many stories and myths and beliefs that were created in ancestral times that were passed on because of sheer innocent ignorance or to prevent the practical consequences of certain actions.  No, I'm not doubting religion, I am a stout believer in God, but I also believe that there are many stories blindly passed down as beliefs and as God's opinions that were originally crafted for practical reasons.

Example: I was astounded to hear that in some part of India, people were/are forbidden from clipping their nails after dark and the action was/is deemed bad. Really, what is sinful about shortening the length of your pinky nail at 7PM?  Soon after I was told the origin of the story - the reason behind it being deemed bad was because in those times there was no electricity, so it wasn't so much considered as a "bad, sinful" action as it was dangerous - the lack of light could have made you clip off a finger instead of just the nail.

Frankly, in a similar fashion I believe religion in general upholds the value of abstinence for more practical reasons than just for beliefs, especially back then.  Let's be honest, what kind of birth control did they use 1000 years ago?  I'm sure they weren't so primitive and ignorant to attempt packing leaves up there but i'm also pretty sure they didn't have condoms.  (Condoms were invented by Charles Goodyear in the 19th century).  So the way I see it abstinence was maintained as a virtue because it sustained the sanctity of sex (you know the phrase, "anything in excess is bad") and it solidified (to an extent) societal structure and order of relationships.  In the practical sense it prevented a multitude of unplanned/unwanted pregnancies and relationship complications.

But hey, now we have technology like abortions, the morning-after-pill, etc.  I still have to do my research on how the morning-pill works, but I know that it further tempts imprudent and impatient lovers by promising to "protect"/"prevent"/however those pills work AFTER they've had unprotected sex!  Technology moves so fast.
Theory: As soon as the condom hit the market everyone just really upped the game for sexual activity because of its promise for safety and convenience.  That's probably also when the question of virginity became more controversial.

Which is when I asked myself

what do I consider virginity to be?

Referring back to more "abstinent" (<-slightly sarcastic quotes) times, beyond it's physicality, virginity also represented purity and innocence - of the mind (and judging back then, also the heart and soul).  I support this.  Being a virgin (at least for a woman) does not only entail keeping that membrane intact, but also retaining an overall naivety and inexperience of the whole activity.  Being a virgin means avoiding voluntary indulgence in fantasies of sexual activity; once you fantasize about it, how can you be considered innocent and pure?  Yeah physically you would be innocent, but in the mind you're not.  So to me, virginity is a mental thing.  I think it is for most people, subconsciously or not.  I mean would people retain such high importance for a small physical, a potentially-temporary and useless part of the body for thousands of years?  Wouldn't it carry much more importance if it held some real, moral value?

That helped me answer that question:

We lose our virginity when we make the DECISION to have sex.  The physical act is only enacted after the decision is made (god forbid it's forced) and that can be done at any time, anywhere.  But as soon as you've made that decision to do it, you've crossed the threshold of sexual innocence.  In that time interval between agreeing to do it and actually doing it, you're only a physical virgin; your body is still a virgin.  But your mind is not.  Remember the mind is a powerful thing.  We can convince ourselves anything, we eventually become who we think and aspire to be.  Using it we can transform everything and anything, just by thinking.  Once we think about having sex, and we DECIDE to do it, it's THEN that we've lost our virginity, because in our mind we decided to cross that threshold.  Especially if you're in a relationship, once you decide to do it, in your mind you've already reached that level, whatever that level means, and all that's left is the physical act of doing it.

Okay yeah a lot of questions popped one after the other in my head, but here's the answer to my big question:

I don't think it is bad to lose your virginity before marriage, DEPENDING on the circumstances.  AS LONG as you perform sexual activity with the person you love with your heart (not your body), someone whom you potentially share a future with (because otherwise wouldn't the act be done out of lust?), then wouldn't it be simply enjoying God's gift?

Okay fine, bring up the strongest religious argument: God wants us to enjoy the pleasures of sex only within the confines of marriage.  
Hey I'll save you the time from reading endless paragraphs of me stating the practical reasons behind this belief and I'll explain this instead: within marriage, where there is a commitment of two people to love, cherish, protect, etc. each other till death, that belief makes sense because sex would be done out of love.  But not all marriages, especially back then were made of love, most were made for political/financial alliances.  So thinking about it, if a woman's husband rapes her (god forbid!), her husband still committed a sin of lust and performed an act of sexual immorality.  Just because they are married does not make him (or her) free to satisfy their lust in any forced way.  So then why confine it to marriage?  Love before or even without marriage happens, shouldn't two LOVERS enjoy sex?  Instead of two people simply confined in wedlock?  

Again, I think this belief has been passed down to avert the practical consequences of premarital sex, which back then, due to primitive forms of contraception were the aforementioned unplanned pregnancies, etc.  Of course, there are countless number of religious arguments against premarital sex and the debate can go on forever.  And in my mind, this debate was getting heated and pretty intense for me.  Then I followed God's own advice: to look deep within myself for the answer, and well hey, I got it.  Directly from God (not me you conservative blasphemy critics, but my soul, my values and morals and the God within me who is everywhere) - not from other people who maintained their beliefs which have anonymous or disputed origins.

Finally defining what virginity means to me is so relieving; my mind is now at ease.  Hopefully this post satiates the curiosity of the definition of virginity to you curious (and maybe also confused as i was?) readers. :)  It definitely did mine.


  1. No, its not bad. It's just assumed you would have done it before your 18th. :\